We have been inspired by a recent run of reader enquiries to begin a new series of articles to enable people to overcome the barriers and obstacles to moving abroad. The enquiries have all detailed the issues that would-be expatriates feel are holding them back and preventing them from realising their dream of a new life abroad.
Interestingly, when you examine the findings of the recent Expat Experience section of the HSBC Expat Explorer survey, it seems that many of the concerns people have about relocating are universal. From money matters and actually affording the move to overcoming loneliness, expats and would-be expats all have similar worries.
Our new series of guides to overcoming the obstacles to moving abroad begins today with the subject of loneliness. Both men and women report that they have concerns over missing family and friends when they move, and that they are worried they will find it too hard to re-establish sufficient social contact to make the relocation an enjoyable experience. However, there are many ways of overcoming loneliness, and you can even prepare against this worry before you relocate.
According to the Expat Experience section of the HSBC Expat Explorer survey, the two main concerns that surveyed expatriates had before they relocated were re-establishing a social life (41%), and potentially feeling lonely and missing friends and family (34%). This mirrors what our readers are saying – we have received numerous queries and comments from those who know that a relocation will benefit them on many levels, but who are almost too afraid to take the next step because the don’t want to cut themselves off by moving abroad.
As stated above however, not only are there some tricks and tips to re-establishing social contact once you’ve moved, but there are even things you can do before you emigrate to ensure you won’t be lonely living abroad.
Getting Solutions in Place Before You Move Abroad
1) Forums – unless you’re moving to Mars, most places on earth have now been visited and inhabited by expatriates – or so it seems! In addition, thanks to the Internet, it is now possible to hunt and track down expats already living abroad and established in the destination you’re planning on emigrating to.
Therefore, get online and begin communicating. Find out which forums are best for your location – best in terms of the numbers of expats registered from that location for example. Start chatting, interacting and finding out about those who already live abroad in your new nation.
You can ask all sorts of questions to alleviate concerns about what to pack, what to leave behind, where you should be looking for a home and so on. And you never know, you may come across some friendly types on the forum with whom you can meet up once you have relocated.
Note, commonsense precautions should be observed when arranging to meet strangers!
2) Collecting contact data – before you leave your current home nation you can begin building a database or filling a notebook with the address, phone number, mobile phone number, email address and social networking details of your family, friends and work colleagues with whom you want to keep in touch.
By doing this you will ensure that you will never lose touch with those back home who are important to you. What’s more, by getting all contact details your options are open about how you keep in touch. If you’re moving to a first world location with excellent infrastructure you can conceivably email, tweet, poke, text, call and write a letter to those you care about back home every day!
3) Make dates – another important task to undertake before you move is setting dates and times of when you will call, Skype, visit and have family and friends over to visit with you. If you don’t set some initial dates and times you will leave and risk feeling instantly cut off from those people’s lives.
If instead you arrange to always call your mum and dad on a Sunday after lunch, to chat to your best friend via Skype every Tuesday with a glass of wine in hand and to text your broader social network with a life update on a Friday in exchange for a text back, you will feel connected and you will be less likely to feel cut off and isolated abroad.
Additionally, if you fix a future date to come ‘home’ and visit and you ask your friends and family to set dates for when they will come and visit you, there will never be huge gaps of uncertain time between visits in which you can begin to feel lonely.
Sorting Out Your Social Life Once You’re Living Abroad
1) Find out about groups, organisations and social events – it’s time to get back online and look around for events, social groups and expat organisations in your new neck of the woods. Even if you’re not the sort of person to join an organised group, this will be an excellent way of meeting at least a few new people who probably have something in common with you, that you can potentially build upon and create a new friendship out of!
Alternatively, it’s a way of getting you out of the house and stopping you worrying about being lonely!
From sports clubs to ladies and babies groups, from expatriate specific organisations to language learning or beer drinking groups, you’ll find them all of you hunt hard enough. You can use organised social contact such as this to begin meeting new people in your new environment.
One social contact will lead to another and another, and before you know it you will have an established group of friends and acquaintances and you will be feeling much more at home abroad.
2) Reach out and meet colleagues and neighbours – if you can’t find out about any organisations or events online it’s time to tap up your new neighbours and colleagues for information.
At work you may find it easier to approach people in your department for information for example. You can begin by introducing yourself, explaining that you’re not only new to the company but new to the country, and that you’re keen to meet new people in a social context outside of work.
You can ask if they have any ideas, or be more specific and ask them if they ever go out socially from work and can you please join the group.
If there isn’t much of a social culture simply ask what events or clubs exist in the neighbourhood and force yourself along to meet people.
If you find your colleagues unhelpful seek out other expats in your organisation and ask for their help – they’ve been where you are and bought the t-shirt you’re now wearing.
You could also pin up a notice in work or in your apartment block (if applicable) asking for ideas too…and finally you can politely get to know your neighbours and then canvas them for ideas about where you can go and what you can do to meet people.
3) Offer up your services and company – if there are no organisations, no clubs and nothing to do then it’s up to you to start something in your community and invite others to join! Whether it’s a language practice/conversation class, an expat get together, a book exchange or a pub crawl you may find you need to get proactive and organise a coming together of people.
You may find you only need to be the instigator once, and that the momentum you create will flow on naturally as others pick up the baton.
You will ultimately have achieved your objective of meeting people however, and so who cares how you do it.
Both Men and Women Worry About Loneliness – so Couples Need to Support Each Other
Men often assume that if they have a ‘trailing spouse’ she will be happy setting up the home and getting the family’s lives organised. They assume she will be getting plenty of social contact at the supermarket and the school gates. Quite possibly they couldn’t be more wrong!
Women are often totally isolated when they move abroad – they perhaps don’t have the language skills needed to reach out and communicate with strangers, and as a result they feel trapped in silence at home.
Women often assume that because the man is traditionally the one who walks into a job abroad, that he will have plenty of social contact with his new colleagues. They will believe that he’s out for boozy lunches with his new found friends and that he has plenty of budding friendships. Quite possibly they couldn’t be more wrong!
Men are less likely to make ‘instant’ friendships at work, wary of the hierarchy and internal politics for example. Furthermore they are typically more cautious when it comes to opening up about themselves, and so may find it very hard to make friends at work.
As they are perhaps the only breadwinner they may find they have no social time outside of work to make friends either.
Whilst the above are fairly traditional stereotypes, they are applicable examples of how men and women can both make wildly inaccurate assumptions about their partner, whilst usually believing they are the only ones drowning in their own loneliness!
Therefore if you move abroad as a couple you both have to recognise and understand your own and your partner’s own loneliness dilemmas and help each other find ways of coping.
It may be that one partner uses the internet or intranet, the notice board at the supermarket or at a school to find an event or occasion that could facilitate social contact, and both partners agree to go along together even if it’s not an event that both will necessarily enjoy!
Ultimately it’s all about taking those first difficult steps into a new social arena and finding likeminded people with whom you can communicate. The first steps are the hardest, so if you take them quickly and together you’re soon over this one hurdle and you can get on with your new life abroad, and happily enjoy it with new found friends who will help you get more out of your new life and your new nation.