According to new research from the Netherlands by a behavioural scientist, the pressure placed on relationships when couples expatriate and move to start a new life abroad should not be underestimated. In fact, the stress can be so great that it is often on a par with the stress many couples feel after the birth of a first child.
Resentment can grow when one partner is working and the other one has given up work to relocate and support their employed spouse for example, and it can worsen if warning signs are ignored and the problems are left to fester.
Any move can be a stressful experience because of the fundamental unsettling nature of the massive change in question – but when you factor in a new nation and perhaps a new relationship dynamic as well, stress is surely inevitable? However, there are ways you can lessen the problem, and there are ways that couples can really protect their relationship from the damaging effects of stress.
1) Talk About Concerns Prior to Moving Abroad
If one partner is more hyped up about the move than the other, it can be hard for the positive person to even know that there are concerns worrying their partner. It is therefore essential that you make time to sit down and openly discuss any concerns that you have.
Even if you can’t resolve the worries – such as ‘I might miss my old job’ for example – it is really important to voice such concerns so that a partner can know what the other one is going through.
You may share some concerns and you may be able to resolve some concerns. Ultimately however, you will know how you each feel going into the move, and there can be no secrets harboured and resentments that are allowed to fester and grow.
2) Understand How Relationship Dynamics May Change
If one partner is going abroad to work and the other is accompanying them and giving up their current job to look after the home this can be a massive adjustment. The working partner may falsely believe that they’re making life better for their spouse…however, if the spouse has always enjoyed the independence of work and hated the ‘drudgery’ of home life, this could cause a really difficult relationship shift.
At the same time, a lone working partner may feel greater financial stress lies on their shoulders; this can cause equally worrying issues…
Be aware of potential changes to your current dynamic that could arise when you move abroad, voice them and discuss them and aim to keep concerns out in the open – only then can you find a way to resolve them.
3) Make a Detailed List of the Positives of the Expatriation
Before you move abroad you and your partner need to sit together and come up with a list of all the good reasons to move to live overseas. You need to think about the opportunities it will bring, how your life may be improved by the relocation, and even the reasons how your new country may be ‘better’ than your current nation of residence.
Keep this wholly positive list to hand and review it whenever you’re feeling less than happy about the move. You may be able to refocus your mind away from any worries and unhappy thoughts by simply reminding yourself that actually yes, your new life abroad has many positive benefits.
4) Get As Much Help As Possible With the Actual Relocation
Moving house is stressful – moving countries even more so! So get help with packing, shipping, unpacking and generally organising your new life. Take as much of the pressure off by having other people handle some of the work. Sometimes it really does pay to hire in help.
5) Identify Essential Settlement Chores – Divide Them Up
There will be all sorts of settlement chores to sort out - from buying your children their new school uniforms to getting utility bills swapped into your name! If you’re moving abroad to start new jobs, have a honeymoon period of at least two weeks to get all of the essential ‘lifestyle’ jobs completed.
Share the work! If one partner alone has to do all this work they will resent it – and if the other is let off the hook they won’t appreciate the amount of time, effort, patience and perseverance that goes into getting the new home and the new life set up.
6) Get Help Around the Home
The most common time when there is a real relationship issue is when one partner has given up their former life to accompany their partner into their new life, working and career building abroad. The accompanying partner has to stay home all day and look after the house, give up their independence and financial freedom and this causes worry, stress, aggravation and resentment on both sides.
To avoid this happening get help around the home – hire a cleaner/housekeeper/nanny – whatever you can afford and whatever would just take the edge off the daily grind of chores around the home. This will save one partner from doing all the work and resenting their partner who’s out all day ‘enjoying’ their new job.
It will also save said working partner from coming home and having to start cleaning the windows just to show that they are contributing!
7) Accompanying Partners Need Purpose
With some of the daily chores seen to thanks to household help, it is time for an accompanying spouse to find something to do all day long. Can you get a job, start your own business, indulge in a hobby, volunteer or just help out?
Anything that gets you out of the house and gives you a purpose in life is a positive option.
8) Take Any Resettlement Help Offered
Some companies that recruit and relocate expatriates offer some assistance for newly arrived workers and their families. From an orientation day to relationship support for example, take whatever help is on offer…even if it only means you find out where there’s a different supermarket, or you just spend a day with a friendly face, it will all help.
9) Review Relationship Dynamic Changes
Having discussed potential issues prior to a move, once you have relocated and lived abroad for a few months, it’s important to find the time to sit down and talk about how things are going. If you don’t feel fully comfortable raising issues or complaints with a partner, perhaps you will need to sit with a mediator such as a counsellor.
It’s worth putting this effort in, because if you can voice any issues or concerns that you have about how your relationship has changed, you can potentially fix them.
If you’re sitting down together, just the two of you, try and make the conversation constructive rather than full of criticisms that the other partner may take on board as being wholly directed at them. Talk, listen too, and then try and find a way forward towards positive resolution of any outstanding issues.
10) Don’t Lose Sight of Each Other or the Positive Reasons Behind Your Move Abroad
Before you moved you made a list of the positive reasons to move abroad, it’s important to review that list together regularly. Reminding yourself why you made the move can help you look past problems and see the good aspects of your new life.
Also, you moved abroad together because you wanted to be together and stay together – don’t forget that – do everything you can possibly do to keep your relationship and your new life on track. It may mean changes and compromises on both sides, but there are so many ways you can work together and find a positive way forward…and ultimately, living abroad can be fantastic, you just need to embrace it together.